I have a lot of dreams about airports. Several nights each week, my dreams involve airports in one way or another. Each dream leaves me with a sense of panic and my adrenaline racing.
Now, I'm not a frequent traveler. I fly a few times each year, usually to go see family. I don't spend an unusual amount of time in airports. I've never really had a terrible experience in an airport. I'm not afraid of flying, and aside from the small amount of anxiety I feel on the way to the airport (what if they can't find my reservation?!?), nothing about flying bothers me.
My airport dreams are never the same, but they all follow a similar theme. In my dreams, it's generally afternoon. By some odd circumstance, I discover that I'm flying that day. In fact, I'm supposed to be at the airport RIGHT NOW. But I haven't packed! Where is it that I'm traveling to again?!? There's no time! Or, I thought my flight was tonight, but it turns out it's in an hour, and the internet isn't working, and I can't check in for my flight! Or I'm being driven to the airport, but we're in the middle of the Michigan countryside and driving S-L-O-W-L-Y. Can you please just get me to the airport on time?!?
I don't enjoy these airplane dreams. There's a real sense of panic for me in each one. Being a planner, it freaks me out to have things sprung on me at the last moment. That, compounded with my inability to figure out how to get to the airport, or what time I should be at the airport, causes me much anxiety. I wake up feeling relieved that it was a dream, but gritting my teeth just the same.
I've never really had a lot of recurring dreams, so these have been unsettling to me. I've racked my brain to figure out why I would constantly dream about being late to the airport. A few weeks ago, I think I finally made the connection.
Darren and I have been trying to have a baby for over 3 years now. We started trying in the summer of 2006. In all the time since then, with each holiday or milestone that has passed, I've asked myself, "Will this be the year?" Each Christmas, I wonder if I'll have a baby by next Christmas. Every New Year, I wonder if we'll start the next year as a bigger family. Every birthday, I wonder if THIS is how old I'll be when I finally become a mother.
I'm so aware of time passing, and not even in terms of my biological clock (yet). It's just that I always pictured this happening so much sooner for us. We've waited for over 3 years, and we don't even know how much longer it could take. The fact is, it can't happen quickly enough for me. All of this is so completely out of my control, and yet I can't help feeling that I'm missing the boat. Or in my mind, apparently, the airplane.
I don't have a neat wrap-up for this. I don't know how to stop having dreams about airports. I don't know how to relax about our situation. I don't know how to stop worrying about the timeline. But I do know that God has a handle on our whole situation, and that worrying about it won't make things happen any faster.
Now could someone pass that on to Mr. Sandman please, so I can get some sleep?