Sunday, November 8, 2009


I've come here a couple of times and tried to start a new post, and I just don't know what to write.  Or, I can't figure out a good, coherent way to say what's going on in my head.  So I think I'm going to just dump it.

I'm having a laparoscopy tomorrow afternoon.  In NaPro Technology treatment, there's sort of a progression in the diagnosis.  You start with the easy stuff: hormone analysis, seminal fluid analysis.  You check to make sure the fallopian tubes are open.  You try some hormone treatments.  You wait.  And wait.  And when the patient still doesn't get pregnant, you start a barrage of ultrasounds to see whether or not she's ovulating.  If she's not ovulating, you give her a trigger to force the ovulation.  You try that for a couple of months.  You wait some more.  At a certain point you exhaust all the investigative things you can do without actually going in and having a look inside.

That's the point where I'm at.  So far, nothing else has worked.  My hormones have been regulated, my tubes are open, hormonal triggers have actually forced 3 months of ovulation.  But we still haven't conceived.  So now the doctors will take a look inside and see if there is any endometriosis or adhesions that could be interfering with things.  It should be fairly straightforward (one small incision, outpatient procedure), and I'm feeling more-or-less okay considering my general anxiety over medical stuff.

Rather, my anxiety is over the results, and perhaps not in the way you would think.  My biggest fear, honestly, is that they will spend 90 minutes looking inside me and find me to be . . . absolutely normal.  "Nope, we see nothing here that would explain why you've been unable to get pregnant.  Keep trying, it'll happen!"  For a few days, I was actually praying that they would find endometriosis.  Realizing that might be sort of foolish, I've now been praying that they'll find something they can fix, whether that's in this surgery tomorrow or a more extensive one later.  Finding something, even if it's bad, sounds better than finding nothing.

Because my biggest, biggest fear is "unexplained infertility".  I'm scare of being left in that limbo of not knowing why it's not happening now, and the vague hope that maybe it would still happen someday.  If it's going to happen, or it's not, I would just rather know.

Isn't that the way, though? Of course we want to know the ending of the story.  I can't be the only one who feels like if God would just reveal His will to me, I would happily carry it out.  But wondering, discerning, praying, trying to figure it out, is so. very. hard.

I've talked a little bit with our priest about this journey we're on, and he reminded me that infertility is sort of a theme throughout our salvation history.  Abraham and Sarah, Hannah the mother of Samuel, and Elizabeth all struggled with infertility.  In each of these situations, God was working to bring about great blessings in the lives of these parents and of the faith.  I haven't fully reflected on this, but I do hope that God is working to bring about great blessings in our lives too.

Hopefully, tomorrow's procedure will be a successful step toward finally starting our family.  At the very least, I hope it will bring some clarity to our situation.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Airport Dreams

I have a lot of dreams about airports. Several nights each week, my dreams involve airports in one way or another. Each dream leaves me with a sense of panic and my adrenaline racing.

Now, I'm not a frequent traveler. I fly a few times each year, usually to go see family. I don't spend an unusual amount of time in airports. I've never really had a terrible experience in an airport. I'm not afraid of flying, and aside from the small amount of anxiety I feel on the way to the airport (what if they can't find my reservation?!?), nothing about flying bothers me.

My airport dreams are never the same, but they all follow a similar theme. In my dreams, it's generally afternoon. By some odd circumstance, I discover that I'm flying that day. In fact, I'm supposed to be at the airport RIGHT NOW. But I haven't packed! Where is it that I'm traveling to again?!? There's no time! Or, I thought my flight was tonight, but it turns out it's in an hour, and the internet isn't working, and I can't check in for my flight! Or I'm being driven to the airport, but we're in the middle of the Michigan countryside and driving S-L-O-W-L-Y. Can you please just get me to the airport on time?!?

I don't enjoy these airplane dreams. There's a real sense of panic for me in each one. Being a planner, it freaks me out to have things sprung on me at the last moment. That, compounded with my inability to figure out how to get to the airport, or what time I should be at the airport, causes me much anxiety. I wake up feeling relieved that it was a dream, but gritting my teeth just the same.

I've never really had a lot of recurring dreams, so these have been unsettling to me. I've racked my brain to figure out why I would constantly dream about being late to the airport. A few weeks ago, I think I finally made the connection.

Darren and I have been trying to have a baby for over 3 years now. We started trying in the summer of 2006. In all the time since then, with each holiday or milestone that has passed, I've asked myself, "Will this be the year?" Each Christmas, I wonder if I'll have a baby by next Christmas. Every New Year, I wonder if we'll start the next year as a bigger family. Every birthday, I wonder if THIS is how old I'll be when I finally become a mother.

I'm so aware of time passing, and not even in terms of my biological clock (yet). It's just that I always pictured this happening so much sooner for us. We've waited for over 3 years, and we don't even know how much longer it could take. The fact is, it can't happen quickly enough for me. All of this is so completely out of my control, and yet I can't help feeling that I'm missing the boat. Or in my mind, apparently, the airplane.

I don't have a neat wrap-up for this. I don't know how to stop having dreams about airports. I don't know how to relax about our situation. I don't know how to stop worrying about the timeline. But I do know that God has a handle on our whole situation, and that worrying about it won't make things happen any faster.

Now could someone pass that on to Mr. Sandman please, so I can get some sleep?